FROM THE BOARDROOM

The statistics tell us that about 50% of marriages end in divorce. That's sobering enough. But it's actually worse than that. Many couples stay married but aren't exactly what you'd call happy. Think hard: How many people have you known in your lifetime that had a truly enviable relationship? Right. You can count them on your fingers, and still have fingers left over.

 

Yet we all want that close, intimate relationship so much that we overlook the statistics and jump in anyway. And, despite the best of intentions, despite all the joy and warmth and dedication and "tingly" feelings we have when we we're in love with that special person, all too often it goes sour.

 

Is it possible to fall out of love? Absolutely. How can we let that happen, when being in love feels so GREAT?

 

Well, we're not failing on purpose. We're failing because we don't know what we're doing. If you want a good relationship, and you want it to last a lifetime, there are some fundamental skills you simply can't be without. Getting into a relationship without these skills is as futile as starting out on a road trip without knowing how to gas up the car. How far do you think you'll get before things start slowing down?

 

A good relationship isn't something that will survive and thrive on its own. It's hard work. And it's worth it.

 

Amazingly, most people who come to me for couples therapy claim they love their partner, but when asked if they FEEL LOVED by that person, they say 'no'.

 

I'll explain that by asking you to make a list of some of the most memorable things someone has done for you that made you FEEL LOVED. Help with a daily task, for example, or dinner out, or personal attention, or flowers, or more frequent sexual activity. There are no "right" or "wrong" items for a list like this, so don't edit yourself. You need to know what makes you tick.

 

Now, ask your significant other to do what you just did. This time, it'll have nothing to do with you. It'll be a list of things that make the OTHER person feel loved.

 

It's important that the lists be written with a positive tone. Don't write, "I'd love it if she'd stop doing this," or "I wish he'd be more that." Instead, write, "I feel loved when he is affectionate to me in public," or "I feel loved when she fixes my favorite meal," or "I feel loved when she initiates lovemaking in the morning," or WHATEVER.

 

Now share your lists.  Notice that the things that make you feel loved are not necessarily the things that make your significant other feel loved. Notice, too, that the things that made that person feel loved 10 years ago aren't necessarily the things that have the same effect today.

 

You'd be amazed at how few people realize these simple truths. For a good relationship, you must stay in touch with what HITS THE TARGET for your significant other. Practice thinking along these lines. Practice following through. Notice what happens to your relationship. Help your significant other do the same for you, by letting him or her know what you like.

 

Yes, it's simple. It's not easy, though. It means un-learning some deeply ingrained habits. But it's a big step toward having a dream relationship.

 

~Daniel S. Hayes, Ph.D.
Psychologist

 

 

Who will be the star cowpoke for August, 2002? Headsup, folks: Anybody who lassoes a dream from our "dreamless states" gets credit for 10 dreams! Those states are D.C., Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, and Vermont. Go get 'em, cowpokes!

 

 

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